


The Osteological Morphology of Trolls:  An Introduction to Xenoanthropology

by slipstream



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alien Biology, Anthropology, Gen, Headcanon, Humor, Illustrated, Meta, Skeletons, Worldbuilding, Xeno, eventual (anatomical) nudity
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-03-10
Updated: 2012-03-25
Packaged: 2017-11-01 18:38:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/359990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slipstream/pseuds/slipstream
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which an anthropology-minded fan uses her field of study as a framework to explore troll biology headcanons in a meta fashion while riffing on the academic style.  Fully illustrated with comments of cultural xenoanthropological interest as relevant or deemed entertaining by the author.  As read by Jake English.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Preface

**Author's Note:**

> With much thanks to valmora, who encouraged me to finally type all this down (regardless of how slowly updates might come) and who lent some of her own fabulous world-building expertise to the soundboard. References for the more osteology-heavy portions of this fic include: _Human Osteology, 3rd Edition_ by Tim White, Michael Black, and Pieter Folkens; and _Juvenile Osteology: A Laboratory and Field Manual_ by Maureen Schaefer, Sue Black, and Louise Scheuer.   
>  Any illustrations not wholly original to the author will be cited in the notes for each chapter.  
> -Figures 0.9 and 0.11 use panel 004955 as the base.  
> -The blackrom brass knuckles in Figure 0.10 are based off of this awesome sticker (http://tinyurl.com/7gbwusm).

**== >Jake:  Be bored out of your relatively miniscule juvenile human skull**

Oh you are, of that there is no doubt.

You are at the absolute limits of your mind’s ability to keep itself sufficiently occupied without additional outside stimulus.  Your trigger fingers itch most days—it’s only natural, of course—but today that itch has spread to all ten of the digits of your upper limb and most of your toes, as well.

You need something to do.

_Anything._

 

**== >Jake:  Well go outside or something, jeeze**

_Are you insane?_   Have you perchance taken a gander at the weather? 

It’s a veritable hurricane out there!  The sound of the rain pounding against your roof is only rivaled by the distant cacophony of trees being ripped from the earth as a stampede of fell beasts scrambles for cover.  Each flash of lightning is punctuated not by thunder but by a chorus of terrible, monstrous screams and bellows into the dark and stormy night. 

No, you’re staying right where you are, thank you kindly. 

 

**== >Jake: Mope**

You are _sooooo bored!_   If only some sort of WHIMSICAL TALKING FELINE sporting a graphically iconic example of millinery were to waltz through your front door and distract you with a myriad of increasingly nonsensical rhyming activities, then maybe you’d—

Hang on.  One of your friends is pestering you!

 

**== >Lightning:  Crack boom**

_CRACK-A-BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!_

Well fiddlesticks. 

 

**== >Jake:  Find alternate light source**

Looks like that last bolt of lightning knocked out your main power supply.  Normally you’d just plug a chunk of uranium into one of your backup generators and keep right on chugging, but you’ve been trying to conserve those, lately, seeing as how your TRANSMATERIALIZER eats radioactive isotopes like they’re going out of style. 

While you have multiple computing devices at your disposal, each with its own internal battery supply, their pester function is entirely dependent upon their ability to access the internet.  As you are not yet officially engaged in the sort of epic, space-time warping RPG where pedestrian devices such as wireless routers are rendered superfluous by game mechanics, this puts you in a bit of a pickle. 

Whatever Dirk wants, it’ll have to wait until this storm blows over. 

 

**== >Jake:  Find something to do**

Like what?  El Niño’s got you barricaded indoors and has taken all means of electronic communication hostage.  The only other avenue of amusement that springs to mind isn’t appropriate for general audiences. 

 

**== >Jake:  Oggle your blue ladies by candlelight**

Thousand pardons, old chap, but what part of "not appropriate for general audiences" did you not understand?

 

**== >Jake:  So read a book or something, fuck, I know you've got some form of the printed word burried under all those piles of ammo**

Well now that you mention it, you do have one tome on hand that you’ve been meaning to read. 

One of your friends gave you this for your last birthday.  It’s some sort of self-indulgent bit of academic geekery and fantasy world building set in a fictional universe you’ve never heard of, but it’s got a seriously wicked looking skull on the cover and so it must be awesome! 

 

**== >Jake:  Turn to page one**

The devil with that!  You are an ADVENTUER, and adventurers don’t bother with stuff like prefaces and context and having half a clue about what’s going on before sticking their nose into things.  They dive headlong right into the acid-filled belly of the beast, pipes clenched between their teeth and machetes a-swinging. 

 

**== >Jake:  Flip randomly to somewhere near the middle and start reading**

Oh, this looks intruiging! 

_"Right mandibular second premolar mounted in a set of brass knuckles, a token of concupiscent hatred.  In addition to being worn as jewelry, the prominent cusps make this particular type of setting an effective weapon.  While some trolls will only wield such a romantic gift while battling their kismesis, others have no qualms deploying them outside the confines of their kismesissitude..."_

What the fuck?  “Kismesissitude”?  “Concupiscent hatred”?  What the fuck is that and what does it have to do with nifty alien crania?

Maybe you should start at the beginning…

 


	2. Title Page, Acknowledgements, and Table of Contents

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of errors and bugs popped up when trying to upload this, so if there are duplicate chapters or if it displays weird sorry. :/ Don't know why the endnotes from the first chapter are copied here or how to get rid of them (ETA: fixed!), and I think I might have accidentally deleted a comment while fiddling with things. Oops. :///

**== >Jake:  Start at the beginning**

**  
**

 

Gosh but that's a good skull, and right on the first PAGE!  All books should start like this. 

You HOPE the rest of the book is just as richly illustrated, and that the artist's skills don't drop off over time. 

 

**== >**

 

_With special thanks to A. Megido for her invaluable assistance in gathering a suitable reference sample for study and for her generosity in loaning and translating the relevant Alternian classic biological texts._

_With begrudging thanks to K. Vantas for his insight into various aspects of troll culture, though really he didn’t have to shout quite so much.  The personal insults—while impressively colorful—were perhaps better left to a more appropriate venue such as a bar fight, an academic conference, or the traditional bar fight at the academic conference._

 

**== >**

 

**Table of Contents**

1.  Introduction                                                                                                                                      

          *The Importance of Troll Osteology to Xenoanthropological Fieldwork

          *The Hemospectrum

               -As Biological Variation

               -As Cultural Construct

          *Anatomical Terminology

               -Human vs. Troll (Highblood) vs. Troll (Lowblood) Naming Conventions

2.  Juvenile Development                                                                                                                                 

          *The Egg Stage

          *The Grub Stage

          *The Bipedal Stage

3.  The Head                                                                                                                                                            

          *The Neurocranium

               -Horns

          *The Splanchocranium

               -Dentition

4.  The Torso                                                                                                                                                           

          *The Spine

          *The Ribs

5.  The Pelvis                                                                                                                                                           

          *Biological Sex and Gender

          *Reproductive Anatomy

6.  The Limbs                                                                                                                                                           

          *The Upper Limb

          *The Lower Limb

          *The Intermediate Limbs

7.  Trauma and Pathology

8.  Afterword

Appendix A:

  1. Excerpt from _On the Origin of Our Great and Lustrous Species By Means of Natural Awesomeness and Violent Selection, or the Preservation of the Favored Troll Race in the Struggle for Galactic Conquest_  by Xarles Darwen
  2. Excerpt from _Expanding the Punnett Square:  Mendelian Inheritance in the Alternian Context_ by Jade Harley, Rose Lalonde, and Kanaya Maryam



Appendix B: 

  1. Excerpt from _Troll Romance and Reproductive Practices_ : _An Epic-Length Hypertext-Cum-Monologue in the Form of a Narrative Sort of Rant That is Just Educational Enough to Squeak By the Alternian Schoolfeed Authority’s Committee on Standards in Sexual Education and the Proper Rearing of Romantically Functional Trolls But Mostly Serves as an Instrument of Punishment for the Overly Curious and Occasionally Unappreciative Reader, One to Be Doled Out Back to Back to Back Preferably While Some Sort of Beethoven is Played Loud Enough to Burst Eardrums Until the Lesson—Namely, That There is Such a Thing as ‘Too Much Information’—is Learned; Contains At Last Count 4,685+ Illustrations, Two Dozen Plus Deaths, Innumerable Dreams Crushed, Hopes Dashed, Loves Lost, and Profanities Invented, Two Inappropriate Deployments of Filial Pails in an Attempt at Crude Humor, and One Fourth Wall Smashed; Not Recommended for Wigglers Under Two_ by Andrew Hussie



References

Index

 

**== >**


	3. Introduction: The Importance of Troll Osteology to Xenoanthropological Fieldwork

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still playing around with which style to use for the in-book "notes" in a way that flows well with the text, is generally reader friendly, and doesn't leave them all bunched at the bottom somewhere where they lose their effectiveness as punchlines. Let me know in comments or PM if this style doesn't make sense and/or you have another suggestion. I promise I won't respond with SBaHJ panels.  
> Also to come: chat fonts and colors where appropriate once I get CSS formatting figured out. :/

**INTRODUCTION**

Though initially dismissed as at best niche research interest, at worst a desperate attempt to come to term with humanity’s impending, alien-wrought doom through compartmentalizing and academic rigor, xenoanthropology has come to hold its own within academic circles, its practical applications proven with ever increasing frequency as humankind takes its first, tentative steps out among the stars. 

Like anthropology—its ideological companion / human-centric equivalent / ever quadrant-flipping on-again off-again academic kismesis/matesprite/moirail [1]—xenoanthropology at its best utilizes a four-field approach:  biological xenoanthropology, cultural xenoanthropology, xenoarchaeology, and xenolinguistics. 

> _[1-  Attempts on xenoanthropology’s part to auspisticize between evolutionary biologists and creationists proved a drunken disaster for all involved and is better off forgotten.]_

While this volume is ostensibly a biology-focused study of _Xeno cornutus sapiens_ [2], it isn’t possible to glean a complete understanding of the characteristics of troll skeletal morphology, their evolutionary and cultural origins, and their impact to trolls and any human beings who might encounter them, living or dead, through study of the bones alone.  In the hopes that it may be of the most use to all  xenoanthropologists past, present, and future, this field guide edition of _The Osteological Morphology of Trolls_ has modified the more clinical style of similar osteological texts to include observations of cultural and practical significance alongside the traditional catalog of illustrations that inevitably turn out to be as baffling as they are helpful and the technically accurate but sphinx-like riddles used to describe each feature in turn.  

> _[2-  Earlier publications in this field typically refer to trolls as either_ Xeno cornutus invadente _or_ Xeno cornutus versisanguis _, classifications which have for the most part been abandoned due to their respective xenocolonialist and hemocentric connotations.]_

Readers of more reserved taste should be forewarned that the results are, at least in places, more casually obscene than is typically acceptable within the style guidelines set for scientific works.  Certain troll naming conventions in particular are more graphically descriptive than what is commonly used to teach human anatomy.  Any complaints related to research methodology or presentation style should be hashed out in a series of increasingly passive aggressive letters to the editor in the appropriate scientific journals and/or forwarded to the author care of the publisher, though likelihood is high that the latter will receive only the following form letter in response: 

 

**== >  Jake:  Muse on how little time it took the artwork to take a sudden, dramatic plung in quality**

Not long at all, indeed!

You are suddenly less enthusiastic about seeing this thing through to the end.

 

**== >  Jake:  Soldier on anyway**

**_The Importance of Troll Osteology to Xenoanthropological Fieldwork_ **

Of all the currently known alien species, trolls pose a unique problem to human-conducted xenoanthropology.  Post-contact, even Earth-bound anthropologists whose work is limited to modern _Homo sapiens sapiens_ and their evolutionary ancestors should be as familiar with troll osteology as they are with non-human skeletal material, and for many of the same reasons.  The first task when examining any bone is to determine whether it is human or non-human, a process made much more difficult when dealing with the skeletal remains of our troll [ _insert collective noun reflective of contemporary levels of amiability and/or hostility between Earth and Alternia appropriate to the reader's time period here_ ].   

In a rather stunning example of intergalactic convergent evolution, human and troll anatomy hold much in common, leading some of the field's more theologically-minded practitioners to argue that our two species are in fact linked in some sort of mobius double reacharound of creation and destruction, each planet seeding the potential for life in the other. 

This is, of course, preposterous.  Much can be said on the dangers of spending too much time squinting at amphibian-themed runes in lamp-lit darkness with nothing but ouzo, the echoing quiet of endless empty ruins, and the crushing press of student loans looming over you. 

Despite gross similarities in makeup and function, trolls are anatomically distinct from humans on multiple levels, a byproduct of the dramatic differences in our respective evolutionary histories.  While many of these differences will be more or less pronounced depending upon age, hemospectrum status, and individual variation, some general characterizations may be made.

In addition to obvious differences in dentition and the presense of horns, generally trolls will be taller and more robust than their human counterparts, with frames built for continued growth well into adulthood.  With some exceptions even the shortest trolls to reach maturity may easily pass six feet in height, reaching as tall as nine feet and beyond, not accounting for the height of their horns, which also grow throughout life.  In accordance with this alien constitution and their more insectoid juvenile appearance, troll musculature is not completely analogous with that found in humans--a trait which allows for the identification of more fragmentary remains based upon the appearance of different muscle attachment sites.  On a microscopic level, initial research supports the potential use of comparing osteon appearance and organization patterns in differentiating between troll and human bone.  Lab access is a luxury atypical to most xenoanthropological field experiences, however, and as such this guide will focus on more morphometric means of identification.

Once the basics of spotting troll remains have been mastered, xenoanthropologists should quickly begin to pick them out amongst even the most jumbled of site litter.  Such sightings, while thrilling at first, will soon become commonplace, as troll bones are prone to popping up in almost any site on almost every planet.  Indeed, in many digs they and other associated troll artifacts may be more common than the remnants of any species and culture native to the area, all but drowning the local archaeological record with their numbers. 

The pervasive nature of troll osteological material can be attributed to two primary factors:

  1. Because of Alternia’s millennia-long tradition of galactic conquest none of the currently charted systems containing any measure of life form, intelligent or otherwise, has not at least felt the afterburn of an Alternian scouting ship.  Even when conquest and incorporation into the empire is relatively peaceful the often violent complexities of troll interpersonal relationships and social ordering is bound to leave at least a handful of corpses littering the face of the planet.  In instances of all-out war— whether in the form of a defense mounted by the native population or a conflict between feuding factions of the Alternian military—casualties are increased significantly, in some sites forming a literal carpet of osteological debris [3].   
  2. Trolls do not bury their dead.  Planet-side, if they are not left to decompose on the spot then they might be dragged off to some out of the way location, preferably outdoors, where the smell is less likely to disturb the living.  This leaves troll remains vulnerable to both the elements and scavengers, which on Alternia alone can vary dramatically in size if not ferocity [4].  Easily identifiable elements are quickly lost in the resulting scatter, making these frequently-encountered sites some of the most difficult to identify and reconstruct. 



> _[3- While this orgy of commingling has been the bane of many a sleep-deprived PhD candidate, cultural xenoanthropologists  attempting to reconstruct the history of Alternian conquest in various star systems should find this layer of carnage quite useful as a dating technique.  It also illustrates nicely why even those whose research interests do not center on Alternia and her peoples would behoove themselves to be intimately familiar with their form.  The reach of the empire is, quite literally, long, bony, and inescapable.]_
> 
> _[4-  “Swarming Patterns and Feeding Habits of Winged Carnivorous Bovine:  A Posthumous Paper Compiled From the Notes of *** **** ******* **** ****** ** ***** *** ****]_

In addition to these two factors, formal and informal trading networks for skeletal elements of high social and personal value aid in the spread of Alternian bones to contexts where they might not otherwise be expected, not as remains but as culturally significant artifacts.  Of particular note is the exchange of teeth as romantic tokens as detailed in chapter three, but there also exists a subculture of bone collection among some high ranking members the Alternian military, judicial system, and Church of the Merciful Messiahs, with skulls and other elements of particular aesthetic interest being treated as if they were especially fine and bejeweled Fabreg _ _é__ eggs.  Troll skeletal remains are also frequently uncovered in excavations of temple complexes linked to the Cult of the Frog [5], where they typically serve as functional components in the temples’ characteristic multi-layered labyrinths of [weird puzzle shit](http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=4&p=000604). 

> _[5-  While Occam et al. have convincingly argued that many of these elements belong, if not to the same dozen or so individual trolls, which would of course be physically impossible, then to the same extended lineage of troll ancestors and descendents  (“Hold on a Second, This is Fucking Weird:  A Metric Analysis of All Known Osteological Material Recovered in Temple Contexts”, 2***), their follow-up arguments (“No Seriously, Guys, This is Really, REALLY Fucking Weird:  Look Upon Our  Statistics Ye Academically Mighty and Prepare to Flip Your Shit”, 2***) suggesting that the smallest sets of remains—all individuals typically found in associated with a sort of bladed weapon broken near the hilt—are not Alternian in origin but rather those of a modern, juvenile human of indeterminate ancestry and biological sex, have been dismissed as being too creepy to contemplate.]_

Given these compounding circumstances, it seems only reasonable that—

 

**== > Jake:  Wait, wait, go back to the bit about flying cow vultures or whatever they were  
**

What are--

Oh, right.  _Them_. 

But why, though?  Surely that was but a one-off gag, a reference shot fast from the hip with no real aim or intended trajectory for the hot, semi-molten projectile it launched into space.  A Chekhov's misfire, if you will. 

 

 **== >** **Jake:  Just give me the rest of the citation,  I’m trying to look it up on Google Scholar**

You can't, actually!  Somebody’s gone and scratched out the author, journal, and publication date, and then scribbled weird things all over the margins.

 Look here.  See what you mean?

**NO PEEKING, ASSHOLE!!!** ****

**ahaha right like thats gonna be the thing that tips him off** ****

**OH SO YOU’RE DOWN WITH CASUAL PARADOX SPOILERS AND ALL THE EXISTENSE THREATENING BULLSHIT THAT COMES WITH THEM IS THAT RIGHT?**

**FUCKING GLAD WE TOOK THE TIME TO CLEAR THAT UP.** ****

**chill man weve got nothing to worry about**

**put the marker down**

**no need to go all department of justice on this freedom of information act released memo**

**from all ive read this guy aint exactly the brightest biped on hellmurder island if you know what i mean**

**also this is silly we can talk to each other now we dont have to write all this shit out longhand**

**look were muddying up the margins and everything rose is gonna be pissed** ****

**WHAT HAVE YOU GONE GOD TIER IN LIBRARY SCIENCE NOW?**

**I’LL WRITE IN WHATEVER BOOK I WANT.**

**I AM THE SCRIBE OF YOUR COMPLETE AND UTTER HUMILIATION, RECORDING IT IN FUCKING SANS SERIF SCRIPT AS PART OF THE HISTORICAL FUCKING RECORD.**

**BESIDES YOU’RE THE ONE DOING ALL THE MUDDYING LOOK AT THIS SHIT ITS LIKE A SEA OF RED DOUCHEBAG SCRIBBLES UP THERE.** ****

**oh hey listen do you hear that** ****

**HEAR WHAT NOOKSCARF?**

******that sound**

 **its the sound of an insufferable fuckass just itching to draw dicks** ****

**FU~~~~~~--____-~\\___)^^^uu~~~~~LET G-----~~~\/\/\/\/\/** ****

**shh shh its okay**

**you dont have to hide it from me**

**look ill even help you**

**lift up for a second though gotta turn the page**

**give this masterpiece some fucking breathing room**

 

**== >**

What follows is one of the most explicit and crudely-rendered doodle wars you’ve ever seen.   Looking at it gives you a funny, uncomfortable sort of twisting in the pit of your stomach, even if you can’t make out what half of these things are supposed to be. 

Is that…  Is that a pair of wings on that--?

It’s probably best if you don’t look at it too closely. ****

**== > Jake:  Keep reading like nothing weird at all just happened**

Unfortunately these two pages are covered in a thick forest of badly drawn penises and god knows what else, rendering the concluding paragraphs of this subsection nigh illegible.  What a pity, you’re sure they were compellingly written and provided a smooth transition to the next topic.  You’ll have to skip ahead a bit until…

Ah, here we go!

 

**== >**


End file.
